Is it Love?

You know what I thought?...

I thought I was so lucky to have you. I thought I was so lucky to have someone who loves and cares for me so much. Someone who supports me all the way. Someone who encourages me every moment. Someone who helps me dream of what I want from life. And someone who will be by my side as I try to make those dreams come true.

I thought "Love was unconditional". But then you said it clearly "My love comes with conditions". I heard it all and I still gave in. You told me what to do and what not to do. And I obeyed. I knew it was wrong but at the same time I thought it was love. Yes, that was my reason to let go of things I wanted for myself. I took it as love. I thought nothing matters more to me than your love. Hence I let of things. But you mistook it as your right to stop me every time you didn't want me doing something I wanted to do for myself. And as crazy as it sounds, I gave in every single time.

I thought I was emotionally very strong. And then you came along and made me realize how wrong I was. Just once you took the step to end it all. And guess what, it killed me completely. I thought I could take it when someone I loved so dearly would not want to be with me, I could move on. But the very day you decided to take your love away from me, I shattered. I couldn't believe I was so weak. I was so disappointed with myself. And that feeling of being so helpless has been within me since that very day. And as much as you might deny it, but you take this helplessness of mine to your advantage. I don't blame you. If their is anyone to be blamed, it's me.

I thought I could be me when I am with you. I thought you loved me for what I am. But then why do you always try to change me? Do you know how tired I am from hearing how this girl and that girl has changed this way and that way? Why do you even tell me? No, a third person telling me how she has changed or "hot" she looks won't become my inspiration to change myself. You tell me it's for my betterment and I like it. Hence I want to make myself better. But a third person indicating that I need to change because she has changed makes my heart burn. And it kills me even more because you don't tell me "the facts" but tell the whole world that something is wrong with me and I need to change it. Do you think saying such stuff in public will make me want to change? No. It hurts me. It makes me feel bad about myself and certainly doesn't inspire or motivate me to do anything.

I thought it was all about "our" dreams. What I didn't realize was that in the process dreaming about "us" and how we will make them happen I completely forgot about my dreams for myself. While you are working on your dreams, your desires now, I am still stuck on looking at the future which no one is certain about. I feel so disgusted with myself. Why am I not living the way I want to? Why am I not doing anything for myself? Wait, maybe because I am too busy thinking about you. Too busy caring for you. Too busy loving you. So busy that I have stopped loving myself for what I am.

I thought I was just not looking at life in the right manner to enjoy and love it the way it is. I couldn't understand why everyone around me is enjoying the same life while I was living for the sake of it. How stupid was I not to realize that I am not loving the life I'm living is because I don't do anything for myself. While everyone around me was doing what they wanted for themselves, I was spending my time trying to do things which made you happy. Now I see myself as a fool. A fool who does whatever she can to see you happy. A fool who forgot how to live life the way she wanted to.

These things might seem so little at the moment. But when I put them together and look at the big picture, the future, it all adds up to a lot of pain for the rest of our lives. And when I add all these little things together and realize that something will surely go wrong in the future, I get scared. But for some very strange reason I still give you this very heart and trust you yet again that you won't hurt me anymore. It hurts but I still love you all the more. You know what if feels like? It feels like I give you my heart despite knowing the fact that you will hammer it into million little pieces. And when you give those million little pieces back to me, I join them together and repeat my mistake. The mistake of giving it to you again and again when I know what will happen to it.

Tell me, should I call this love?

Of New Best Friend, Bhai and Ice-Cream Adventure <3

You know how they always say.."it's a boring saturday night...". Now I know what it means! It's not like I am one of those "party-all-weekend-people", but tonight I can feel what it is like to be bored on a Saturday night!! Frankly, the weather according to me is pretty crappy. It's been raining the whole day! Don't argue with me and say "I love rainy days!" because I have heard enough of those! I use to love rains too. But when it keeps pouring all day all night long it gets truly annoying! And in a city like Sydney, when it rains, it rains cats and dogs! I never had a great impact of the weather on me until I moved to Sydney. Here, the right weather is very important to keep me happy. And when it rains, it just makes me really depressed/bored/lazy/tired for no practical reason at all.

Anyhow, I was just on the phone with my new girl friend, *Hiral* <3>

I usually get along with almost anyone most of the time. As Abhi says.. "Every other person for you is either sweet, cute or nice!"... I easily trust people and start calling them my "friends". But I guess I have come across enough of those "friends" to make me realize that this world is full of people who are not worth trusting and who will always stay the same no matter what! But among those untrustworthy people I found my new best friend: Hiral! (Abhi baby..You will ALWAYS be my "bestest friend"!....so don't be jealous... because I love you <3).>

The first day I met her...who knew that we will become such good friends! But despite the fact that we are in two different faculties at uni..and also despite all the different class timings we became friends =) The first semester we were in uni, we hardly met. But from the end of first year at Uni we had made it a point to meet more often. And now we basically call each other at least 5 times in a day and talk about nothing but how lazy we are! But it's still fun!! She always makes me smile and she always helps me bitch about people I don't like. A perfect best friend! She encourages me even when I have lost hope in myself. And she cries at little thing just like me! We are one of those made-for-each-other type of best friends. And the best thing is...when she is drunk and acting totally stupid and telling nothing but the truth..she tells me.. "I love you gargi" =) ...She's such an angel... I love you too Hiral my babeeee!!! <3>

Okay..so what started out as a I-AM-BORED-AS-HELL and MY NEW BEST FRIEND blog post is now going to be transformed into a AN-ICE-CREAM-EATING-ADVENTURE! Lol.. And I am continuing this post after coming back from my little adventure =)

Well so as I was writing about my new best friend, my new bhai, Haider had a Let's-Go-Have-Ice-Cream-At-10pm moment. So he picked up Hiral from her place and drove all the way to my place to pick me up and then went a suburb back so that we can have Gelatino ice cream. He drove us round and round thanks to his bizzare GPS! But then again..it was worth it! I had a Verronise Chocolate and Haider had a Mango ice cream. Hiral is the coffee freak among us..lol ..She had her Caramel Latte with a Brownie..Such a lady ;) .....And Haider also had a hard-as-hell mudcake-cupcake. Lol.

I didn't expect a dull and depressing rainy Saturday night to turn into a sweet little meet =)

I was longing for such friends ever since I moved to Sydney. I guess I finally found them! Thanks my new Best Girl Friend and my new Bhai <3

Love you guys!!<3

PS. The only thing missing now is the love of my life...Waiting desperately for you baby!!...

Bottled Love

Looking into his eyes, she waited for him to make a move. She had looked into those eyes many times, but never before had she noticed the warmth in them. They were happy to see her yet they were sad because of many things that had happened and many that were to come. As far as she could remember, these were the very proud eyes of a guy filled with attitude. But at this point in time, they were more like a child's eyes. They were asking for much longed affection, care and pampering. She couldn't believe these were the same eyes which had been filled with pain of parting two years ago.

"I don't know why this is happening to me... It's not like I have never done this before... But for some reason..I am nervous... But really.. I do want to do this...It's just that... Well you know what it is.. Right?...", he mumbled away making her nervous too. But there was something that was making her skin tingle. She was getting goosebumps and hell yes there were butterflies in her stomach! But then again... She was as lost as he was. "I told you ...with all the other girls it was just so easy..but with you... I mean not in that way..but you know... I respect you... and I love you..."

Gosh, he speaks at the oddest of times! She thought to herself. The wait was already killing her. After all it had been more than two years since they last met. One thing or the other kept them apart. And now, that the place was right and the time was perfect, he took the chance to... talk! "I missed you so much... I wanted to meet you..but you knew the problem... but now you're here. I am so happy! It's as if I am alive again. Now we will have the time of our lives... it will be perfect! I love you so much!.." He stopped, sensing the expression on her face. "Are you ok?... You love me..right?..I have been waiting to..." Before he could say another word, she took the liberty of holding the collar of his shirt and pulling him down to her lips. And the sensation was just amazing. Their heads tilted in the opposite direction as their tongue explored each others mouth. She pulled him closer by pulling his collar..and pressed her lips harder against his. His hands slowly followed her curves and gently landed on her hips. He tightened his grip around her...their bodies were ever so close..their heartbeat ever so fast...their feelings ever so strong... And that was just the beginning..of a wonderful night ahead.

They went on and on...Finally.... the bottle that contained the love of more than two years had been uncorked... The glasses were ready to be filled... their hearts were ready to get high... And together they drank the love...

Too Hungry?!?!!

Something has really been bothering me lately. Something that I use to do (as a matter of fact, I still do at times!). But now I just can't bear it anymore! Usually when I leave messages for my friends on social networking sites or email them or SMS them, I prefer "not eating half the alphabets" while typing something (as in purposely eating them up!). Ok so maybe not in SMS. The whole point of short messaging service is to "shorten" (at least for me!) the message as much as possible (I would rather eat half the words then be charged another $0.32 for it!....I am an Indian after all ;)).

My main motive to shorten the words by eating a few alphabets is to save time basically..or if I'm online from cell/ipod, its easier to just keep it short. But if I am typing an email or a scrap or writing on anyone's "wall", I would make sure that I stick to typing the whole word. I wasn't like this before..but now i feel the need to make it a habit... (also because I have started messing up my spellings lately =/ ...sad..I know..). But that doesn't mean I don't make some words short. For example, I stick to "u" instead of "you"..."btw" instead of "by-the-way"... "wtf" instead of "what the fuck"..."ur" instead of "you are/your"..."cuz" instead of "because"... "omg" instead of "Oh my god" ...so on and so forth. What has been really pestering me lately though is some EXTREMELY short words around me. It might actually be because I might not be very fond of that specific person... but still..it's pestering me man..and you know when it pesters me..it pesters me really bad!

"Dnt" instead of "Don't"
"dis/ds" instead of "this" (I started doing the same in 7th class..and stopped just a while ago)....
"wen/wht/wat/wer" instead of "when/what/where" (did this too..but not anymore..well..sometimes I do..but VERY rarely!)
"d" instead of "the" (this one too..yes...but a big NO-NO now!..)
"derez" instead of "there's/there is"
"enuf" instead of "enough" (*sigh*..been there, done that!)
"cn" instead of "can" (its just ONE extra VOWEL!..fucking TYPE IT!!)
"gt" instaed of "got/get" (as I said... ONE F-ing VOWEL!)
"noe" instead of "know" (i am not even going to bother to say anything!)
"nyt" instead of "night" (I still use that one..only because I am in a hurry to say good night and rush to bed to sleep =))
"n" instead of "in" (I seriously don't like this one)
"f9" instead of "fine" (I mean ...HELLO?!?!...wtf?!?!.. how does THAT even make sense!??!?)
"shud" instead of "should" (I am guilty when it comes to this..yes I am...)
"cum" instead of "come" (okay..THAT just sounds WRONG to me...call me pervert if you want..but it does!..yes..even the one's I like do this...*sigh*).

And of course all of us can contribute to this very short list consisting of merely a few such examples. And yes..this is not all....what bothers me even more...is the fact that some words are already short so that you can't shorten them anymore. But these weird people end up making such words short/demented/mutated. And what amazes me is the fact that they might be writing the same number of letters but still mutate the word. What are you trying to do there dude?!??.... you DO NOT sound cool if that's what you're trying to do!!! And it doesn't prove that you can speak English!

"buh" instead of "but" (WHAT?!?!?!)
"ma/mah" instead of "my" (um..you're actually ADDING an extra letter there you dimwit!!)
"awl" instead of "all" (...huh??!!..)
"chillinz" instead of "chilling" (...I know your not spastic... at least I think so...=S )
"ya" instead of "u" (I mean c'mon..that is O-B-V-I-O-U-S)

As I said, there are probably heaps more! (Please do suggest if you have any!!)

I kept on pestering Abhi to stop "eating" letters...ranting that its so not professional. And yes it worked. He does try to type it all out...but still practices such shorthand shit at places. To some extent I can take it because I do it too...and also as I said it matters if I like the person or not. For all those I like..I'll always like you =) No matter what! But for those specific people I am not very fond of... YOU ARE IT!

WHY!??!... I Ask...

So there are something which are bothering me so very much..that I had to vent it out somewhere! This is basically going to contradict with my previous post where I said I loved my parents... I do, but not at this very moment while I write this post! There are some questions that always make me go WHY???..and always will make me go WHY!??!..

WHY do they have to stop me when I want to go to a friends house for a sleepover!..WAIT!!..before you even reason with me...hear me out!!.. Firstly, this friend is a girl!! Who lives alone...in a studio apartment. Her sister is over for vacation. And I know this friend of mine is an angel! I don't drink. I don't smoke. And I am not interested in getting down with a guy either!! And N-O- NO-ONE will rape me. Its just a night with girl-friends. I know my freaking limits! And no they will not force me into doing anything I don't want to do. But still, when I ask Mom if I can go...I get.. "Ask Dad"... and when I call Dad...I get... "WHY?!?..Whats the need?..She lives alone...What will you do?...".....And the list goes on..and on..and on... So finally I give up and say.."forget it".

WHY do they have to treat me like an adult whenever they feel like it and then claim that I'm still a baby the very next second?! When it comes to cleaning my room, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, comparing my grades, the fact that I can't cook and everything else a responsible person (more like a girl!) should know/be perfect at, they will start comparing me to my friend who knows how to cook (well look at her size!..she loves it..hence she does it!!), the responsible son of my Dad's colleague at office, my cousins who we basically don't talk to (and for them we basically don't exist!!), the girl who might live across the street but we don't even know who she is!! And when it comes to something I would point out which might be in my favor, they point out that I don't know whats good for me and I am like a baby, wanting what others might have! By the way, I am the girl who once told "gargi we can't buy that for you..or no you're not getting this", has never demanded for that very thing again! Have some mercy for god's sake!!!

WHY is it that other kids always look more talented, more beautiful, more intelligent, more creative, and more innocent than me?? It is a fact. I might have been the one who learned classical dance, played the flute in the school band, learned Spanish and French (just a bit..), loved art and was very good at it too, got good marks (I still do... and even if I do screw it up sometimes..it's ok... I am a human after all!), never stepped out of that very thin line (at least not yet... waiting for November<3 ....hehe.. ), never got drunk (well at least not to the extent when I was puking or something), didn't lie that I was going to get notes off of a friend when actually I went to my boyfriend's party (I repeat.. I did NOT do this!!)... But still they'd ask a million questions regarding this and that... keep pushing into studies when I desperately want to learn a language and play the guitar... look fatter when actually I've lost weight!...in short... a good-for-nothing-girl-who-will-never-be-able-to-take-care-of-herself! Let me BREATHE!!!

WHY is it that when the neighbor's daughter swears, it's funny! But if I let something slip, it is SO-NOT-ACCEPTABLE! They'd ask her again what did the guys in her class write on the blackboard, and when she repeated it..its Oh-So-Funny! And not only that!..when my baby brother (almost 5 years of age now) says something rude...its funny..but not when I say it! I mean c'mon... everyone swears! It's just that the parents don't know! So why not accept the fact and get over it once and for all!

WHY is it that I am always pointed for my extravagant spending's when I seriously don't spend that much!! I use to spend more in India I reckon! But yes... my brother gets every cartoon DVD and Xbox game he wants (he doesn't have a collection of over 50 dvd's just like that!). So every now and then.. I receive a warning... "You spend too much!" from them... =( ...but I DON'T!!!!

WHY is it that when I say so-and-so has a boyfriend..they act all cool and stuff...but they are so not ready to admit it that its okay to have a boyfriend! And it's even better to have one "saat samundar paar"...all the way in Delhi when I am in Sydney!! Grow Up for crying out loud!!!

I can go on forever and ever and ever if I want. But I am too lazy you see. I so don't have the parents I want. =/

But oh well... I guess I will have to live with this... and I know.. those WHY's will never end! Maybe I will write a book in another 10 years. (Don't forget to buy it!) I know you will agree with me!! And puh-leez!..Don't point out my mistakes here! This is my blog..not my parent's...

Oh and by the way.. just when I think I have had enough of my parents bossing me around regarding everything...and I want my Prince Charming to support me a bit... What do I get??!!.. More orders from him!! UGH!.. But I will leave that for the next post I guess...

Ciao!
(for now...)